I write these lines as I wait for my character (Vindicta) to respawn on my 10th death in my latest game of Deadlock. We ended up winning, but that was beside the point.
Now, you see. I am 32 years old, that is, not new to games. I never quite enjoyed APM-heavy games, nor games where quick reactions were necessary. It was not unusual to see my kill/death ratio at 0.4 or even lower during my teenage years. By all gaming (TM) metrics, I was mid.
I do not know why I play Deadlock. Do I enjoy it? I'm not sure. I know why I want to play it, though, which I believe is a bit different. My girlfriend plays it. Some of my friends play it. It's free. It's intense. It's competitive.
You get a huge rush of happiness when you finally manage to progress. And it is skill-based, so you can tell yourself that victories are due to your personal skill, because, after all, you are that good at playing this game.
My experience so far has been different. My skill is lower than average, I feel. This is based on absolutely subjective observations such as my <1 K/D ratio in most games.
I can feel it. As I play with more skilled friends, I can see the resentment growing in everyone. In them, it's the silent realization that they need to carry me in the game. The way they bark commands at everyone, but also to me, a bit louder, a bit more tiredly. As if saying "Git Gud" with every word that leaves their mouth. In me, it's the same realization in reverse. I feel like a burden. My options are limited, my play must become more guarded, more defensive, less risky. I feel a burden for the rest of the game. The game now becomes an exercise in feeling bad with my close friends for the next 45 minutes.
I am forcefully reminded of Dan Olson's Why It's Rude to Suck as Warcraft video-essay. When social cohesion is tied to performance, not performing to the standard of the group pushes you out.